Chapter 1: It all started with a wrong number.

It all started with a wrong number. "Dr. Occure, you're needed in the lab! The experiment has gone horribly awry!" my evil doppelganger was on a murderous rampage! because we looked the same, the cops we trying to shoot me. But it is you they should have shot at. You, you terrible abomination! My only regret is that i didnt shoot you myself when i had the chance. chance. I should have. And I will. No matter what it takes, i will not give up! What am I saying...of course I'll give up. i started to cry like chief quimby hiding in a mailbox with inspector gadget telling him to get da f back. run his momma said, otherwise you'll get caught with all them pills. Go west! He didnt run fast enough and got mixed up with all them characters from the docks.

Chapter 2: And at 12:40 am he got an annoying text message.

And at 12:40 am he got an annoying text message. at 2:00 am, he got another. so tired.. at 2:00 am, he got another.. so tired He began to doze off. he didn't even notice when sally gave him an enema. which he normally takes great pleasure in sleeping until 3pm. what a loser! yeah, he had blown it for sure this time... but he knew there would be many more blows to time and many more times to blow. He decided he had to make a change. He started by rearranging the furniture. Then he got a haircut. He still wasn't satisfied. This was going to be the day things turned around. I knew from the way she was looking at me. that night we would not get one minute of sleep. It was worth it the next day, though, when we saw what we accomplished. plished. It was the world's largest pig roast they had ever been to since the one at Diddy's ranch in 2006. erspaniel.

Chapter 3: He had not changed his underpants in five days.

He had not changed his underpants in five days. A piece of Mc-cheese hung hesitantly from his beard. He woke up hours later, in a dark alley.

Chapter 4: Next to a murakami statue

Next to a murakami statue The statue was weeping.

Chapter 5: 'why are you crying?' the boy asked of the statue.

'why are you crying?' the boy asked of the statue. when will this fucking thesis presentation be over? It's over when the bell sounds he hoped. which reminded him of his favorite saved by the bell episode the one where skreech finally got to kiss lisa. lisa thought she was kissing a ferret. or at least something that smelled like one. Even all the neighbors thought the smell was fairly exceptional. It reminded them of an over ripe tuna melt with brie . And we all know that it was a wheel of brie that shot jfk. or do we?

Chapter 6: He grabbed her hand, looked into her eyes, and they jumped from the plane.

He grabbed her hand, looked into her eyes, and they jumped from the plane. the ledge of lascivious lovers. They would never have to face the lackluster lanes of life ever again. They were immortal!

Chapter 7: But it turns out that immortality is overrated.

But it turns out that immortality is overrated. at least until they could find a way to keep people from eventually getting bored of existence. People who get bored are dumb. Though sometimes they're geniuses.

Chapter 8: Like that one time when they invented puppies encrusted with diamonds.

Like that one time when they invented puppies encrusted with diamonds. kennels never had it so good.

Chapter 9: You have no idea.

You have no idea. Our passion flowed like hot butter over steaming popcorn. i never knew an innocent night at the movies could have come to this. i lost more than i knew.

Chapter 10: and i knew more that i lost.

and i knew more that i lost. But what is lost can sometimes be found.

Chapter 11: So he looked under the table to see if he could peer into the othe realm where it had been lost.

So he looked under the table to see if he could peer into the othe realm where it had been lost. and as he was searching for a glimpse of the o, he felt a sudden tap on his shoulder. "Mother! You've returned!" he gasped. And he reached for his pants as his girlfriend scrambled under the covers. His mother pretended not to notice his furtive movements as she gazed around the room. Gahered her thoughts at what she was seeing, just to realize that the decor had changed since she'd last visited. Clearly, her son had consulted a feng shui expert. her mother in law whom she so equally revered and despised was in town. she was the one who had forced her into the marriage, the one whose son was killed not long after, the one who was understandably domineering. But she had not managed to keep her son from the battlefield & it especually tormented her on rainy nights like this. The darkness of human reason. He decided to stop watching television and stop using the computer. therefore stop living. As far as advice goes, "stop living" is some of the most radical.

Chapter 12: but i was willing to stop living if she would be able to survive.

but i was willing to stop living if she would be able to survive. Did she want to survive? It was a question that taunted her. one that she thought she would never be able to answer. She ran to the door, peeked through the hole and saw a chasm 5 stories deep where her kitchen had been. the the only thing recognizable was her stainless steel sink. next, to it there were little objects that resembled old rose thorns. bud, Citizen Kane's symbol for his own raped innocence. He reminded himself to stay strong...that this was just another day..."But aren't they all?" he silently despaired. day before he had to face the inevitable. That he was really a woman wanting to be a man and years of confusion was finally coming to an end. That he was coward was something he did not want anyone to discover. however, she was bound to find out sooner or later the reason why he was never able to board that train. why he simply couldn't talk about his past he had to hide the fact that he was the last of the royal line. As a contingency he would of course be searching for his doppelganger, who was famous in an entirely different way.

Chapter 13: He was searching for something that would cause big problems in the future

He was searching for something that would cause big problems in the future in the world such the loss of all means of human copulation for pleasure üAmy all who seek to do good and be whole. but i am not one of those people. who can just sit here with a pineapple on my head Lyrics from that Pina Colada song keep seeping into my brain. That song makes me think of her the way a drug addict fondly remembers his first high. But it kind of feels like a Jon-Bon- Jovi-on-acid day anyway. all patriotism and cigarettes, horses and cattle hide. he's total swagger, but at least he can back it up. that's more than you could say for brother He never could hold his liquor. and tonight was no exception, it got ugly, and got ugly fast. this was no place for kids considering the sign on the door said "absolutely NO children". Good job we bought the cats, i said, and went in. But we're all children at heart, even the very elderly.

Chapter 14: i mean, pureed foods are the great equalizer.

i mean, pureed foods are the great equalizer. His cabinet was chock full of the stuff. All of it was precious to him, but the most important thing was his grandmothers ring. the pulmonary fibrosis. but nothing was as shocking as when bridezilla ate my face. After all, she had always maintained before that I was too salty. but now, as she looked at him, I could tell that her qualms about me had vanished. having another glass of wine, after having been drinking all day, dissipated. She stayed for one more until

Chapter 15: seemed like a good idea at the time.

seemed like a good idea at the time. but now, as she realized the need and marinated shrimp had clouded her judgement, she suddenly wished for a time machine. At that moment, everything changed--things quickly came into focus. Everything leading up to it crystalized. Finally, the old woman knew what lay in store for her. Death held her hand. It held her hand and her foot. she fought his grasp with all her strength. Nonetheless she kept dwelling on the thought of cool ranch doritos. Their tang. Their brute force. but his love overtook her at last that is, if you call an incontinent chihuahua love. In any case it was about then that panic TRULY set in. Shaking hands, dry throat, the usual- it was time to cool out and think. moment or two and consider my position i only saw two avenues I could run away or I could full-bore sprint toward everything that mattered with cheetah force. It completely depends on what I expect at the finish line. but life is good when the finish line involves two kisses and the promise of enjoying the show that is a great hockey game.

Chapter 16: and a true love showing that they would give you the world with just one look.

and a true love showing that they would give you the world with just one look. a simple, silent nod as they held not just hands but eachother's souls as if their chance reunion was the only thing going on in the park. Then together they jumped into the yawning void with their eyes wide open. Their souls collided in a quiet and unexpected embrace. It was the most meaningful human contact he had experienced since he left Boston. It was meaningful beyond words. But something was amiss . the room felt different than it usually did A chill permeated the space.

Chapter 17: It filled my every pore.

It filled my every pore. a sense of euphoria washed over my spirit it was if i had always been meant to eat that sandwhich, and at last i had fulfilled my destiny. that moment i was so excited i neglected to see my dog jump up and snatch the sandwich right out of my hands and he licked me in the face and of course i enjoyed it. how could something so luscious not be so pleasing? Yet, the taste it left in one's mouth was pungent. based on Fido's expression, the horseradish on my sandwich was pungent too. rancid so I went to the cubbard to get some mustard... wondering why on earth i'd chosen to misspell cupboard in my mind. mission statement. It must have been a subconscious thing somehow associated with the guilt I carry from stuffing my dead aunt in a cupboard 5 years ago. Or so it seemed to one in a sleep deprived state of mind. perhaps if I hadn't agreed to go with them last night, the situation would be different, but as is, I had to deal with the problem. would have been better oooh yeah it would have been better. And so i said, give it back to me. Rachel could not keep it in any longer, she asked Samantha, "will you marry me?"

Chapter 18: "will u come with me, it will take some time"

"will u come with me, it will take some time" she went with him, with great hesitation, It would take her years to come to terms with this decision to say what she needed to say. but could not say because she was hiding a dark secret. A secret from her past that would explain why, now, her relationships can only be salvaged by tragedy. was taking a dramatic turn for the worse. It was beyond comprehension to realize that the one think that one thing that seemed stable in this life could disappear at any moment. could change everything was exactly what was occuring right now. And it was this perceived approaching singularity that sent shivers down his weakened, hunched spine. It was this that caused him to load his rifle, And it was this perceived approaching singularity that sent shivers down his weakened, hunched spine. It was this that caused him to load his rifle, And it was this perceived approaching singularity that sent shivers down his weakened, hunched spine. It was this that caused him to load his rifle, this is dumb and doesn't work for me but i cant make myself stop, no matter what i do i love the way it feels i love the way it tastes sometimes i simply hold it on my tongue, savoring the mingled sweet and sour. she was surpriesed since last time i spit it out all over her! and that was a scene..she just stared at me dripping and stunned. But i could see in her eyes a growing excitement.

Chapter 19: She wanted me to throw her down on the tarmac and climb on top of her.

She wanted me to throw her down on the tarmac and climb on top of her. it struck me as odd that at this moment she would fail to recall that i dont enjoy being on top. the passion that had been there the night before, when she had lain in his arms within the labyrinth and whispered in his ear that and said, live for the moment darlings! This was their new moto now that the damage was done because of course a lobotomy is irreversible at least that's what they said...is that what they said? They said it, but did they mean it? Of course they meant it. Indeed, they couldn't have possibly been more sincere as they shared their feelings about one another. a more comlete sense of satisfaction had never been felt by any of the parties. except for the ashen faced Milo, eidologist and conrtant naysayer. The traffic on west broadway was excruciating but even worse was watching the guy in the Volvo next to me with his finger up his nose digging for gold. cause we all know men who drive volvos only have one thing on their minds... Safety. (burp), excuse me, as I was saying, they have one thing on their mind. mind. Needless to say the monkey didn't think that the flowers were particularly that great, so proceeded to eat them.

Chapter 20: but he didnt care about the monkey anymore so he got he got his bow and arrow and eliminated the problem

but he didnt care about the monkey anymore so he got he got his bow and arrow and eliminated the problem marmoset, 3 swim fins, 2 for himself & 1 for Lonie who the game keeper won't let out of the fart and he wasn't ashamed about it either; natural functions were meant be shared in the company of family, friends, and royalty. the norm after a sex change. but she/he was not anticipating the difficulties associated with altering lingerie and was forced to invest in a rather expensive seamstress. putting their legs up in the air and making sweet sweet sex... They decided this was the most perfect memory. as she rolled over and surveyed the scene she noticed things were not as they seemed often forget. Like my mind. I often forget my mind i thought, or did i, i forgot.

Chapter 21: what the was i talking about again o yea sometimes i forget

what the was i talking about again o yea sometimes i forget And then the sharp intake of breath as the memories flood back painfully... The recollection of a stalled conversation, a horribly failed attempt at courting a trophy he never should have pursued. it drifted through the air like lead. and it touched my nose with a charming grace but it was cold and prongy, like a used spork. So I put on my sunscreen and my teeny tiniest bikini, and set off for work.

Chapter 22: off for the Aussie outback with my dog skipper.

off for the Aussie outback with my dog skipper. Little Did We Know, The Captain Had A Cold. =is it me, or you getting that gilligans island feeling about this trip? she looked out into the darkness. and wondered if shed landed in a deserted theme park but she quickly shook off, straightened her skirt, and put on a smile to knock him dead. but she quickly shook off, straightened her skirt, and put on a smile to knock him dead. cheap smile, the kind you screw on in the morning when you don't want to

Chapter 23: But this morning it got screwed on a little funky.

But this morning it got screwed on a little funky. it required a new discipline, one that cared about personal hygiene And if it was implemented then wearing clothes anywhere would simply be optional. seem pretty ridiculous considering everything that had happened already and yet the calling was to persevere. There was no other option. Sometimes I wish I could just give in and allow myself to fail. Mais no, I won't, je suis plus forte and simply too strong to fail! The words keep tumbling in my head, not giving me a moment's rest. respite from the cruelty of their truth which washed over me like a wave that was tidal in scope.

Chapter 24: I leaned back in my chair and surveyed the room.