bleeding money
I feel like I've just been bleeding money here. I hate not having a decent income and student loans which are as large as the GNP of a small country.
I'm really afraid of flunking out of school. I feel like I'm getting a Masters of Emailing and Socializing, and I am not a social person, I avoid being at school a lot because I don't feel I get much done here but a lot of talking and eating and I just.don't.have.the.time.or.money.to.waste.
Undergrad was always about your grades, we had test, we had assignments and we actually got tangible feedback, but grad school at ITP? Nothing. We get a check next to our name if we did it and do a lot of praying that the teacher feels 'we are pushing our own limits' and 15 weeks of guessing to see if they feel that way.
Ive been having nightmares about school or about being kicked out for not being on the floor 'enough' I want to be excited and I want to be passionate about my program; instead I'm going through the motions.
My therapist calls it detached. I call it depressed, feeling really fucking out of place and working out of fear not passion or faith. I'm bleeding money, and I'm not earning anything, I'm just a drain.. and that fucking sucks..
It is not the getting through thats getting to me but the thinking about getting through that brings the suffering. The getting through is mechanical. It's the thinking that makes me crazy.
I'm trying to remember that this is not the end of the world, but the beginning.
Such a self is present, though perhaps mute. Part of me knows that everything is going to be just fine. That is the wise, quiet, strong me. That is the me that gets through stuff, that knows what to do. where is the strong, disciplined, patient, enduring self in me? come back.
I'm not even faith. It's not faith at all really; It's sitting and doing.