Anomalous phenomenon
i've always preferred it when things get a little complicated, a little hard to explain. that's when you know it's yours, when you're the only one who understands even though it might not make a lot of sense on paper.
i remember the first time where i felt i had control of my life. it was a day that i developed an unwaivering belief that the world owes me nothing, that nothing would ever be given to me, and most importantly, that i cannot do everything, that i would eventually be forced to pick sides, make choices, and occasionally fuck up in a really big way. i was sixteen. junior year in high school. a week before christmas. i sat in the front row, right beside the door because i knew things were not going to go well.
in front of me sat a six page calculus exam. questions on matrices, on factoring, on derivatives. none of which i knew anything about because i preferred hanging out in the dark room developing film than going to math class. i stared for about 20 minutes. questions like "what is the derivative of x^3-3x+4/ 2x^2+3x-2" drawing only blanks in my head. i didn't understand what any of the symbols meant anymore. i put random numbers and variables and equal signs in the spaces provided.
i got about half way down the first page before it occured to me that i was stressing out over something i didn't care about, will never care about, and will never have to think about again after walking out that door. then it hit me like a punch to the back of the head. i crossed out the last half of the page. then crossed out page two. three. four. five. six.
it was my first "i don't give a shit" moment, the first one that would change the direction of my life, the first of many that would follow.
handing in the exam, i said, 'this is not what i want to do.'
he nodded. i knew he was disappointed. he knew me well. he was my soccer coach. he was the first person who ever put me in a leadership position by naming me captain of the 96-97 team. i knew he knew. he never gave me any shit about never attending class.
since then, i've felt like a pinball, going where ever the bumps seem to take me, colliding against bright lights, rolling into dark corners, drowning between two flippers waving frantically, occasionally hitting the jackpot, and sometimes going to the bonus round. i feel as directionless now as i did on that december day, but as i continue to make the choices that smooth out the pavement, things are starting to make a little more sense, albeit very metaphysically. i still don't have any answers, but i feel better prepared to handle the questions.
i guess this explains why i get caught up in the moment. the moment is all there is. i can't live in the future anymore, and while sometimes i'd like to change the past, that's just wishful thinking for wistful early mornings. everything is now, everything is transitory and always shifting, definitions change, everything goes away eventually, and i've been shocked too many times by how short now can be.