the last time my life got thrown up in the air and I got to watch it fall all to the ground was when I moved to New York.
I sold it all, I left everything I swear I'd never leave and started all over again in a place I had many more bad memories then good.
I got here, I settled- it took months, but I did, I found a place I could be happy. I started to replace all those bad memories with good. I committed my life to this place as much as you can commit to a place and now I see things in the horizon and I'm beginning to fear the whole process might have to start over all over again. You know, I hate planning, I hate hate hate asking questions of people when I'm not sure they really know the answers; or maybe I'm afraid of their answers..
The last two or so years I've started to feel a shift, the moving every 6 months like I've done every 6 months since I was 16 isn't so glamorous anymore, I find myself craving a sense of home and I find myself craving a partner to share it all, I find my definitions shifting in ways I never could of anticipated.
Something has changed in my fearless emotionless life, and I'm finding I crave meaning so I can find purpose.
I keep trying to let go, blah blah live in the moment blah blah, repeating to myself something ryan said to me months ago, 'someday...its going to work out...and all the bad experiences will be meaningless'