I like cats. I live with 5. They’re very private, so I won’t be posting any pictures of them. Everything you need to know about cats can be found in The Unadulterated Cat by Terry Pratchett. Simple hard-learned rules about cats follow, not all from the book:
(1) A dog has a family, a cat has a staff – you own a dog, you feed a cat (I grew up with dogs).
(2) A closed door is a personal affront to a cat. It really doesn’t matter which side of the door the cat is on.
(3) Cats will be instinctively drawn to the one person in the room who is either deathly allergic to them or who simply hates cats.
(4) All cats are inherently evil, vicious and cruel but have too much style for most people to notice. If cat’s looked like iguanas, there would be VERY few cat owners and LOL CATZ wouldn’t exist.
I did a lot of research before deciding on cats. I had previously evaluated three alternatives:
(1) a jeweled lizard, (2) a prairie dog, or (3) a capybara.
Jeweled lizards are gorgeous and pretty damn smart — like smarter than bunnies and gerbils but not quite as smart as dogs and cats. Still, pretty damn smart for a lizard. and, as I said, they’re gorgeous — like little jeweled dinosaurs. And so, one fine day, I nearly bought a real beaut for $500. I was all set to close the deal when the ever so helpful herpetological salesman mentioned that I really shouldn’t have “other pets or kids around” with this cute adorable jeweled lizard, because “the last guy had his cat 1/2 eaten by one”. So no jeweled lizards.
Prairie dogs are very cute. Prairie dogs are also one of the leading vectors and hosts in the United States for Yserina Pestis. Also commonly known by the unfortunate tag “the black plague” and responsible for depopulating about 30% of Europe. Every year a small handful of US citizens succumb to the black plague. Although it’s a small number, it’s still about 600% more than those eaten by sharks in the US. However, prairie dogs are cute, so no one goes around dynamiting prairie dog towns. Also, I don’t think they can chase you very fast with barrels tied to them and jump on boats and actually eat people and stuff. But ANYWAY, the point is, prairie dogs are out.
Capybara‘s are, as I’m sure the gentle reader is aware, the biggest f%*ing RAT in the whole wide world. And so, while there is an extreme coolness to such a pet, I was told that it would significantly reduce my chances of ever meeting a human female, ever.
So I got cats. And my mom stopped talking to me for like a month. So it all worked out in the end.
I have a jacket made from capybara. How ’bout that?