Week 4 – Thesis Journal – Interview: “Going with Grace” Program Coordinator

Q: Being a Death Doula no doubt involves walking the terminally ill patient through a journey to help provide peace as they prepare to pass onward. However, have you noticed any common points or elements that are used to help their survivors deal with the death process more effectively?

Pre-planning is key. Having Advance Directives, Living Wills, Funeral Plans, Body Disposition, etc. completed prior to an illness leaves the space needed to be with the dying, create a space for selfcare, and honor the process and grief. Knowing what the deceased wanted for their death process, and after their death, helps to take pressure off of the living.

Letting the caregivers and loved ones know it is okay to have all the emotions. Grief is not linear.

Spending time with the body of your deceased loved one often creates a sense of calm and closure. Washing the body, speaking to them with final goodbyes. I’m not sure if it is the animalistic part of our lizard-brains that as animals we have a different sense of closure or acceptance with seeing another dead human.

 

Q: Have you anecdotally made any observations regarding the types of messages that they prefer to leave behind to the living?

It really depends on their age, and who they are “leaving behind”. Parents of young children document and use all modes of communication: writing letters, making videos, compiling keepsakes and mementos. And that kind of preparation for the rest of the lives of those who will be alive is exhausting.

Older individuals tend to like discussing what their lives were like. Telling stories and asking questions are invaluable.

I have also made voice notes, and even had the dying leave voice-mail messages. This is something that can be kept with the living, and played whenever they like.

Making a plan or following a guideline works to keep the emotional work in bite-sized pieces. There are many online sites that can assist with a timeline.

 

Q: Are there any media types that they prefer when leaving something behind for their loved ones?

As I mentioned above, those who are younger prefer any and all types of legacy. Most often if they are not concerned with their physical appearance it will be video.

Elderly tend to like telling stories if they’re able and taking photos.

 

Q: Are there any features, or considerations that you think could help your client’s survivors through their grieving process?

Understanding that grief is not linear. There are no “steps” to grief. That giving themselves the grace in the space to honor themselves and the dead is important. Create rituals. Lean on those who are also grieving. SET BOUNDARIES!

 

Q: Are there any elements of the formal death care training that you feel can help inform how the interactions between the living and passed on should function?

I’m not sure I am understanding the meaning of this question. It seems you’re asking if there is anything we as trained Death Doulas can do or do in our behavior that can help with the living and the dead to commune? If so, then yes, create rituals. If that means praying or playing songs, or movies they loved, or sitting in their favorite chair or bench in the park. As the living we strive to feel connected to the dead, so whatever that means to you. If having their cremains on the mantle, or making it into jewelry, or taking a bunch of their shirts and making them into a quilt, or wearing your dead mom’s earrings, or using the collar of your dead dog as your keychain, etc. on and on. Creating those kinds of legacy or ritual can energetically help ease the gaps and heartache felt within the death of a loved one.